为您找到与笑死人的英语小笑话相关的共200个结果:
那位犹太人对圣彼得说:“坦白讲,能到这里让我蛮惊讶的,我一辈子一直都受到的轻视和侮辱。”
“我们实在感到非常遗憾,”圣彼得说,“但我们这里没有那样的偏见,这里每个人都完全平等,只要拼出G。d这个词你就能进入天堂。”
那名犹太人正确地拼出 God后,被招入门内。 接着印第安人走向前说道“圣彼得,我一辈子饱受贫穷和种族歧视的打击,而且只能住在居留地内,我在这里能得到真正的自由吗?”
“小兄弟,你的烦恼已经结束了,只要拼出God这个词,你就能像小鸟一样自由自在。”
印第安人照着做,不久也被引入天堂。
接着那名黑人跨步向前,“圣彼得,”他说道,“一辈子人们都瞧不起我,不公平对待我,在这里那些事不会发生吧!”
“当然不会,我的弟兄,我们不会做那样的事,只要拼出onomatopoeia这个词,天堂之国就是你的了!”
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Smith was the manager of aconstruction',event)">construction company and was taking bids on a new project. The first bidder was a Polish company, and their representativeoffered to do the job for $ 400,000.
"That seems reasonable," said Smith. "Can you give me a breakdown on that?"
"Sure," said the Pole, " $200, 000 for labor and $ 200,000 for materials. "
Next to make a bid was the Standard AmericanConstruction',event)">Construction Company, which bid $ 800,000.
"Hmm, that seems a bit high," said Smith. "What's the breakdown?"
" $ 400,000 0n materials, $ 400,000 0n labor. "
"I'll get back to you. "
Finally the representative of Cohen, Goldstein and Leibowitz entered Smith's office.
" $ 1,200,000 is our bid," said the agent."$11 200, 0001 That' s way out of line," exclaimed Smith. "Can you give me a brea kdown on that?"
"No problem," replied the rep. " $400, 000 for me,$ 400 , 000 for you and $ 400 . 000 for the Polacks.
史密斯是一家建设公司的经理,他正负责一个新工程的招标案。第一位投标的是一家波兰公司,他们的代表出价四十万元接那个案子。“似乎很合理,”史密斯说。“你可不可以给我一张明细表呢?”
“当然没问题,”波兰公司代表说道,“廿万元工资,廿万元材科费。”
下一个出标的是美国标准建设公司,他们以八十万元竞标。
“嗯,这个价钱似乎有些偏高,”史密斯说道。“你们有明细表吗?’
“四十万元材料,四十万元工资。”
“我以后再同你联系。”
最后可翰·高斯坦·雷伯威兹公司的代表走进史密斯办公室。“一百廿万元是我们竞标的价码,”代表说道。
“一百廿万元这个标高得太过分了,”史密斯叫道:“你可以给我一张明细表吗?"
“没有问题,”代表回答道。“四十万元给我,四十万元给你,最后四十万元则给那家波兰佬开的公司。”
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The airplane was obviously in trouble. One engine was on fire, another was sputtering, and the machine was slowly, ineluctably losing height.
Finally the grim-looking captain entered the cabin.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he announced, "we've lost most of our power. The only way to keep the plane aloft is to lighten our load. We've alreadydumped the baggage, but it's not enough. I-m asking for volunteers to make the supreme sacrifice so that others may live, "
After a few minutes of stunned silence, a Frenchman stood to quivering attention, shouted "Vive la France!" and threw himself out the door.
Shortly thereafter, an Englishman rose to his full height,coolly declared, "God Save the Queen!" and followed thegallant Frenchman.
Finally, a Texan rose from his seat, cried, "Remember the Alamo! " and threw out the Mexican sitting next to him.
飞机显然出了问题,一个引擎着火,另一个嘎嘎作响,不可避免地,飞机缓慢地失去高度。
最后,面色凝重的机长走进客舱。
“各位女士,各位先生,”他宣布道,“我们已失去了大部分的动力,要保持飞机高度的唯一方法就是减轻我们的载重。虽然我们已经把行李丢掉,但还是不够,我要求几位自告奋勇牺牲生命以保全其他人的性命。”
一阵目瞪口呆的沉寂之后,一位法国人颤抖着站起来喊道:“法国万岁!”然后跳出机门。
之后一会儿,一位英国人站了出来,他冷静地说:“上帝保佑女王!”接着和那位勇敢的法国人一样跳出门外。
最后,一位德州佬从座位站起来,叫道:“毋忘阿拉摩!”说着便把隔邻的墨西哥乘客扔出窗外。
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The owner of the hamburger stand was rather surprised to see a man walk in with threeiguanas, but when the man ordered fourhamburgers with fries, the owner complied with a shrug.
The man and his iguanas enjoyed their dinner and left.
The next day the man returned with two kangaroos and the same scene was repeated.
On the third day the man entered with two orangutans and a chimpanzee, and the owner couldn't help making a remark.
"You certainly seem to be an animal lover," he said.
"That's true," said the man, "and I'd like you to know how much we appreciate your letting us eat here. Some proprietors object. "
"That's quite alright," said the shopkeeper.
"As a token of my appreciation, I’d like to give you this lobster. " And the animal lover handed over a live, wriggling crustacean
"Well, that's very kind of you. My wife and I will have it for dinner. "
"Oh, he-s already had dinner. But I am sure he-d love totake in a movie. "
有个人牵了三只大蜥蜴走进一家汉堡店,老板吓了一跳。接着他点了四份汉堡和薯条,老板耸耸肩答应了他的要求.
那个老兄和他的蜥蜴享受过晚餐后便离开了。
第二天,那个人带了两只袋鼠,又点了相同的东西。
第三天,他带了两只红毛猩猩和一只黑猩猩。
老板实在忍不住,便说:“您实在是个爱护动物的有心人。”
“那倒是真的,”那位仁兄回答说道.‘‘另外我也要感谢你让我们进来吃晚餐,许多店老板都拒绝卖东西给我们。”
“没有问题啦!”店老板说。
“为了向你表示谢意,我送你一只龙虾。”说着他便给老板一只活蹦乱跳的大龙虾。
“您真好,我太太和我将以它当晚餐。”
“喔,它已经吃过晚餐了,但我想它会喜欢看场电影。”
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小编说:夫妻之间也要有相处之道啊!
The couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I' 11 buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday. Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn’t get her anything.
She says,“ Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"
He says, "You didn't use what I got you Last year!”
一对夫妻由于很多年都相处不融洽,所以丈夫想:“我要买一块墓地送给我妻子做生日礼物。”你能想象他妻子有多失望。第二年,妻子的生日又到了,但是他没有给她任何东西。
妻子说:“为什么你不送给我生日礼物。”
丈夫回答:“因为去年我送你的生日礼物你没有用。”
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笑话是指以一句短语或一个小故事让说话者和听者之间觉得好笑,或是产生幽默感,另外一个行动(动作)型的笑话是以动作影响人的视觉及观感,而感到好笑。一起来看看一些爆笑的英语笑话吧,带翻译哦
1.The Looney Bin
Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院)one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
疯人院
一天晚上,在疯人院里,一个病人说:“我是拿破仑!”另一个说:“你怎么知道?”第一个人说:“上帝对我说的!”一会儿,一个声音从另一个房间传来:“我没说!”
Notes:
(1)Looney (俚语)疯子
(2)inmate (n.同住者, 同室者(特指在医院、监狱))
(3)insane asylum (疯人院)
2.One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
一天,有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村,在乡间路上开着车,想看看农庄是什么样子,也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上,手中抱着一头猪,并把它举得高高的,好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说,"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的,但是,这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫 回答说,"时间对猪有什么意义?"
3.Boxing and Running
Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight."
Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box."
Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."
拳击和赛跑
丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友:“这是一个粗暴的世界,所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。”
朋友:“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大,健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办?”
丹:“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。”
NOTE
come up against 遇到一个对手 against表示相对的相反的
4.The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell.
So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?"
George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!"
典狱长对狱中一位囚犯深感同情,因为每逢周末的探访日,大多数囚犯都有家人或朋友来访,但是可怜的乔治总是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。
因此在一个探访日,典狱长把乔治叫到办公室说:“乔治,我注意到从来没有人来探望过你。”他满怀同情地把手放在乔治的肩膀上:“告诉我,你没有任何朋友或家人吗?”
乔治回答:“喔!当然有,典狱长,只不过他们全都在这里面!”
5.Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
警察:有人抢你的手表时,你为什么不呼救呢?
男子:要是我张口的话,他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。
6.Two Pieces of Cake
Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?
Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!
两块蛋糕
汤姆:妈妈,我可以吃两块蛋糕吗?
妈妈:当然可以----拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧!
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英语笑话是指以一句英文短语或一个英文故事让说话者和听者之间觉得好笑,或是产生幽默感,笑话是一种经过艺术加工的语言形式,是艺术化的语言,笑话是一种艺术方法。下面小编给大家推荐三篇英语长篇笑话带翻译,希望大家喜欢。
A preacher is buying a parrotAre you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.
一个传教士在买鹦鹉
“你确信它不会尖叫,大叫或诅咒别人吗?”传教士问。“哦,绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主保证说。“你看见它腿上的这些细绳了吗?当你拉动右面的这根,它会背诵天主经,当你拉动左面的那根,它会背诵赞美诗”“太棒了!”传教士说,“但是如果我同时拉动两条绳子,会发生什么呢?”“我会从树干上掉下去的,你这个笨蛋!”鹦鹉尖声说道。
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读文网网英语栏目为您精选语言地道的英语爆笑笑话,让你开心学英语。
Two Pieces of Cake
Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?
Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!
两块蛋糕
汤姆:妈妈,我可以吃两块蛋糕吗?
妈妈:当然可以----拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧!
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从古到今,笑话是人们生活中不可缺少的“调剂品”。笑话使人们在刻板的生活中感到一丝快意和放松。与此同时,笑话也是人们反对极权和专制制度的有力武器。下面小编整理了五个经典搞笑的英语笑话及其翻译,希望可以给你的生活带来欢乐!
英语经典幽默笑话一:The blonde and the farmer
There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take&n......。
一个金发女郎,是那么恶心的黄色笑话她把头发染成红色。笑话停了下来,她觉得很好,她在农村的一个搭车的星期六下午。而在这旅程,她注意到一群羊,停下车来把......。
Son: Mom, John has a pair of shoes with Gordon’s name signed.
Mom: You just care about this? Haven’t you compared other things?
Son: Yes, his mother is prettier than you.
儿子:妈妈,John有双乔丹签名的球鞋。
妈妈:你只关心这个吗?不会比一下其它东西?
儿子:有啊,他妈妈比你漂亮。
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下面是读文网小编整理的英语爆笑冷笑话,欢迎大家阅读!
On the day of our final exam at my Community College in Santa Maria, Calif., we heard that the bookstore had changed its policy and would buy back our business-management textbooks. Before class, several of us dashed over to the store and sold our books. We were seated and waiting for the test when our professor announced that considering the difficulty of the final, it would be an open-book exam.
我在加利福尼亚的圣玛丽亚市一所社区大学读书。期末考试那天,听说书店在回购我们的工商管理课本。考试前,我们几个赶忙跑到书店把书卖了,随后,我们坐在教室里等着考试。这时候教授宣布:考虑到试题的难度,今天的考试我们决定开卷。
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下面是读文网小编整理的英语爆笑笑话,欢迎大家阅读!
英语爆笑笑话:Dream 梦想
The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.
农校的招生办主任在面试一个上线的学生,“你为何要选择这个职业?”他问。 “我梦想以经营农场来赚一百万元,就像我父亲一样。”这个学生回答说。 “你父亲经营农场赚了一百万元?”主任惊诧地问道。
“没有,”这位申请人回答道,“他总是梦想着赚到这个数目。”
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
The driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
乘客轻拍了一下出租车司机的肩膀,想问个问题。司机大叫起来,车也失去了控制,几乎撞上一辆公车,还上了便道,在还差几厘米就撞上商店橱窗时终于停了下来。
司机说:“伙计,别再这么干了。你把我吓破胆了!”乘客抱歉地说,“我没想到拍你一下就吓成这样。” 司机说:“对不起,也不全是你的错。今天是我第一天开出租,以前25年里我一直开殡葬车。”
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幽默英语小笑话不仅是放松的一种方式,还是我们学习英语的一种方法。下面读文网小编为大家带来轻松幽默英语笑话精选,欢迎大家阅读!
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says,“Imagine there are five blackbirds sitting on a fence. You pick up your gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left”
一个小男孩在上算术课。老师问他:“假设篱笆上站着5只画眉。你用枪打死了一只,还剩几只?”
The litter boy thinks for a moment and says“None !”
小男孩想了一会回答说:“一只也没有了!
The teacher replies,“None,how do youfigure that?”
老师说:“一只也没了?你是怎么想出来的?”
The little boy says,“If I shoot one,all the other birds will fly away scared,leaving none on the fence.”
小男孩答道:“打死一只,其他的都吓飞了,篱笆上自然一只画眉也没有了。”
The teacher replies,"Hmmmmm, not exactly,but I do like the way you think"
老师赞许地说:“嗯,不全对,但我欣赏你思考问题的方式!”
The little boy then says,"Teacher, can I ask you a question?There are three women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone,another is biting it, and the third one is sucking it.How can you tell me which one of the women is married?”
小男孩于是说:“老师,我能问你一个问题吗?有三个妇女坐在公园的长椅上吃甜筒冰激凌。一个用舌头舔,一个用牙咬,一个用嘴吸,你说她们中哪一个结婚了?”
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies,"Well,I guess the one sucking her cone.”
老师感到很不自在,他想了很大一会儿,最后回答说:“嗯,我猜应该是那个用嘴吸的吧。”
To which the little boy replies,“Actually,it’s the one with the wedding ring,but I do like the way you think”
听了老师的话,小男孩说:“答案是那个戴戒指的,虽然你答错了,但是我真的很欣赏您思考问题的方式。”
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阅读英语笑话是我们放松的一种方式,下面读文网小编为大家带来幽默搞笑英语小笑话,欢迎大家阅读收藏!
On her return from school,little Dolly, aged ten,was pulled on to her Daddy's knee,and informed that the fairies had that day brought a big surprise-a little baby brother.She seemed glad,and presently said:
放学回到家里,十岁的小多莉被拉过来坐在她爸爸的膝上,她被告知那天仙女们带来了一个大大的惊奇—一个婴儿小弟弟。她似乎很高兴,马上说:
"Will you give me a stamp,daddy?I want to write and tell brother Tom.
“爸爸,你能不能给我一张邮票?我要写信告诉汤姆哥哥。”
The father was touched by this,and provided the little lass with the materials to write a letter to her brother,who was away at school.Later,curious to know how she would tell the news,he took an opportunity to read what she had written.He received something of a shock on reading the following:
父亲被这话感动了,他为小姑娘提供了给她哥哥写信所需的各种用具,她的哥哥住在学校里。后来,想知道她是怎么报告这个消息的,他找机会读了她写的信。在读到下面这两行字时,他差点儿惊呆了:
“Dear Tom,
“亲爱的汤姆:
It's come off today.You've lost;it's a boy.”
今天结果出来了,你输了;是个男孩。”
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笑话是人们生活中不可缺少的“调剂品”,在我们的日常生活中起着重要放松作用。下面读文网小编为大家带来经典幽默英语小笑话带翻译,希望大家喜欢!
Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year,his history professor failed him in his examinations,and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However,his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.
杰克在一所大学学历史。第一学期结束时,历史课教授没让他及格。学校让他退学。然而,杰克的父亲决定去见教授,强烈要求让杰克继续来年的学业。
"He’s a good boy,"said Jack’s father,"and if you let him pass this time,I’m sure he’II improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well.”
“他是个好孩子,”杰克的父亲说,“您要是让他这次及格,我相信他明年会有很大进步,学期结束时,他一定会考好的。”
"No,no,that’s quite impossible,"replied the professor immediately.“Do you know,last month I asked him when Napoleon had died,he didn't know”
“不,不,那不可能,”教授马上回答,“你知道吗?上个月我问他拿破仑什么时候死的,他都不知道。”
"Please sir, give him another chance,"said Jack’s father. "You see I'm afraid we don’t take any newspaper in our house,so none of us even knows that Napoleon was ill,"
“先生,请再给他一次机会吧。”杰克的父亲说,“你不知道,恐怕是因为我们家没有订报纸。我们家的人连拿破仑病了都不知道。”
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笑话能够使我们在紧张的工作生活当中获得一丝的放松,想放松一下心情的话,那么请阅读下面读文网小编为大家带来经典英语小笑话带翻译,欢迎大家阅读!
A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on the train won$100,000. He didn’t want anyone to know about it,so he decided not to return with others,but took a later plane home,arriving back at 3 am.
周末,有一个从芝加哥来的旅行团在拉斯维加斯赌钱。其中一个人赢了10万美元。他不愿意让别人知道,所以他决定不和别人一起回去,他乘了一架晚一些的飞机回家,到家的时候已是凌晨3点。他立刻来到房子的后花园,挖了一个洞,把钱埋了进去。
He immediately went out to the back garden of his house,dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door,which was owned by a deaf mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol,the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man’s house.
第二天早晨,他出去发现洞是空的。他看到有脚印延伸到他的邻居家里,那里住着一个聋哑人。在同一条街道上,还住着一位教授,他懂得手语,是那个聋哑人的朋友。这个人非常生气,他带了一把手枪,把教授叫醒,然后把他拖到聋哑人家里。
"You tell the guy that if he doesn't give me back my$100 000,I’m going to kill him,”He screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend,and his friend replied in sign language,“I hid in my backyard,under the cherry tree.”
“告诉他如果不还我10万美元,我就把他杀了!”他对教授吼道。教授把他的意思告诉了他的朋友‘他的朋友用手语告诉教授:“我把它藏在了后院的樱桃树下了。”
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said,“He’s not going to tell you. He says he he’d rather die first.”
教授转身对持枪的人说道:“他说他宁愿去死也不会告诉你。”
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笑话能够使我们在紧张的工作生活当中获得一丝的放松,想放松一下心情的话,那么请阅读下面读文网小编为大家带来英语经典笑话带翻译,希望大家喜欢!
A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad."Now,children,"said she,"has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?"
学校的老师正在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在,孩子们,”她说:“她们当中有谁让别人高兴过?”
"Please,teacher:said a small boy,:I’ve made someone glad yesterday."
“我,老师,”一个小男孩说:“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”
"Well done. Who was that”
“做得好。是谁呢?”
"My granny."
“我奶奶。”
"Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."
“好孩子。现在告诉我们,你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。”
"Please,teacher,I went to see her yesterday,and stayed with her three hours.Then I said to her,‘Granny, I’m going home’,and she said,‘Well,I'm glad!’”
“是这样的,老师。我昨天去看她,在她那儿待了三个小时。然后我跟她说:‘奶奶,我要回家了。’她说:‘啊,我很高兴!’”
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想用轻松愉快的心情来学习英语吗?下面读文网小编为大家带来英语幽默短笑话带翻译,希望大家喜欢!
Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in someschools today.
我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用的一种新的记忆训练系统。
“It works like this,”she said. "Suppose you wanted to remember the name of a poet-Robert Burns,for instance.”She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns.“Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman,a bobby in flames. See? Bobby Burns!”
“这个系统是这样的,”她说。“假定你要记住一个诗人的名字一一例如,要记住罗伯特·彭斯的名字。”她告诉我们把他当作博比·彭斯。“让你的脑海里闪现出一个伦敦警察的形象,燃烧着的警察。明白吗?警察燃烧!”
“I see what you mean,”said the class know it all.“But how can you tell that it's not Robert Browning?”
“我明白你的意思,”班上的万事通说。“但是你怎么能说那就不是罗伯特·布朗宁呢?”
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想边看英语笑话边学英语吗?下面读文网小编为大家带来英语小笑话图片带翻译,欢迎大家阅读学习!
Can I take the last piece of cake?
我可以拿走最后一块蛋糕吗?
The moment it gets real tense at the Apocalypse
那一刻才是世界末日真正的紧张
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